laughing, healing, laughing, crying, screaming, laughing, whacking it, healing.

It would be safe to say that I've largely found my voice in women's spaces. You might also be right in saying that this is also where I've developed much of my comedic voice. Most notably, I was involved in a production at WWU called the Vagina Memoirs, not to be mistaken with the Vagina Monologues. In the Memoirs, we wrote our own pieces, and performed our own truths. I'm so proud of the women involved in the Vag Mems for what they have been able to say and do together. It always brings a smile to my face to think about sitting in room full of women who have so much to share. It also makes my heart heavy to think about what some of these incredible women have been through. It's not fair. I remember the conversations were so beautiful in their rhythms and fluidity, how we would smoothly transition from laughing to crying back to laughing. We could feel it all in a couple hours and it felt so good. We spoke the same language.
I'm writing about this tonight because I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and self doubt. Like maybe I just want to hide in my room and stop doing stuff that makes me vulnerable, like comedy. I don't know why I freak out and do this to myself but I think a lot of people do, especially women. Women are subject to so much shaming... of our bodies, sexuality, minds, driving skills, emotions, clothes, menstruation... It's draining. I don't like feeling powerless or so down on myself. However this self deprecation is rooted deeply. So deeply that you forget it's there. You think it's normal. You can't see it's roots.
Performing my memoir was so empowering and exciting. By standing on stage and speaking from a real place, I grew stronger. I feel that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful.
My piece made people laugh. But I also got to say some heavy shit. It made me feel bad ass. I'm proud of the girl who had just turned twenty and was starting to really tend to some painful wounds. On nights like tonight where I feel like my self worth is compromised, I want to remind myself to be proud of me and all the work I've done to learn to believe in myself, which of course I couldn't do without so many phenomenal women who have supported me, inspired me, made me laugh and taught me the ways of the vibrator.
I found a rough copy of my memoir in an old journal recently, which was exciting because I never typed up a copy.

Anywho, here it is!

My Vagina Memoir, Winter 2008 (Rough Draft)

"You know, I'm beginning to love myself for the first time. Yeah. But I mean really love myself. Seriously, I'm like... falling in love with myself. I feel like I've found the one, and it's me. I'm just the perfect lover for me. I always agree with me, I know what I want and I have the same sense of humor, same politics and same music taste... as myself. I also care a lot about my own orgasms. Which is more than I can say about any other lovers I've had.
I became my own lover about a year ago, about the same time I found my clitoris. (BTW getting vibrators is always a good call.)
So it started with just hooking up. Coming back to the dorms after class, asking my roomate if it would be okay if she'd leave for a bit so I could whack it, then you know, I'd whack it. Which is great, but now I like to do special things for myself, not just because I give myself great orgasms but because... I'm worth it.
So I'll pour myself a glass of wine, but not too much because I don't want to be too drunk to give myself full consent. And then, I light some candles and put something sexy on the stereo light Sade... (right? am I right!?) Okay so then I flirt a little in the mirror. A little small talk... whatever. Maybe say something witty under my breath and then laugh in that sexually frustrated way where I brush my hair back and afterwards give myself the eyes. You know, "the shut up and kiss me look." Then I look and myself and say "Damn it, you are so good looking!"
Ummm... I feel like some of you look freaked out. But maybe some of you want me to go on. No I shan't! I am a lady! JK, here's the deets.
So next I'll slowly strip off my clothing. Caress every inch of my skin. Then, to be honest, I get freaky. It's different every time. OH! Best orgasm ever: Not one, but two vibrators and on top of the washing machine. Y'all, spin cycle! I AM TELLING YOU!
Maybe some of you are uncomfortable with the fact that I'm my own lover. There's kind of a social taboo on, well, narcissism. I however am a fan.
But in all seriousness, I'm really happy that I can look at myself in the mirror and feel good about it. And I can touch my vagina and my clit and feel really good about that! I've really come a long way.
I used to look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I used to hear my own voice and my own thoughts and feel worthless and stupid. And I would never touch myself. That would be gross, that would be dirty and humiliating. I didn't get these notions from thin air. You know our society isn't really conducive for people truly understanding their self worth. This has had its affect on too many of us. For me,
Looking in the mirror could mean hair too frizzy face to freckly, chin too weak.
Speaking and thinking felt pointless, painful and annoying.
Touching my vagina, if that was even an option would be dirt, slime and years of rape and molestation rising to my conscious again.
And while I still have these thoughts, these insecurities, I'm starting to see myself more wholly. Beautiful, funny, intelligent, talented, sexy, compassionate and powerful.
I'm starting to love myself for the first time. I'm growing up and learning to love myself and others with all of my heart. And I'm going to work for a world where that's more common."

This may be kind of gnarly for a humor blog, but ah well. It reminds me where I get my sense of humor from, how I can use it, how I can be strong, and how when I'm reminded of why I do what I do, it matters less what people think. Sometimes when I'm feeling vulnerable, even though it hurts, I have to remember that it's scary but it's powerful. I wrote this memoir almost three years ago. Really when I had just started to not HATE myself. I've always used humor to get people to like me but I started learning how to use it to get people to listen, understand, laugh and heal. I want to build upon this, not tear it down. Here's to letting go and not tearing myself down.
Can we all believe in ourselves and stop having panic attacks already? Sheesh.