So Long... Funny Girl

I remember a girl who told me that I remind her of Barbra Streisand. I said to myself, she GETS ME.

I entertained her for a time at the bar. Her laugh like a chocolate fondue in the thick of a heavy December menstration. It was her cackle I craved. I did my voices, told stories, made faces and puns. I spoke of my experience(s (yikes)) with craigslist casual encounters and of my absurdly abundant pubic hair. I did impressions of Al Gore watching a tennis match, Bjork making a drunken 3am phonecall to an ex, and Amy Goodman having an orgasm.
In the end... it is all for naught...
Of course when she left with her fiance man guy I did what I always do.
everytime:

laughing, healing, laughing, crying, screaming, laughing, whacking it, healing.

It would be safe to say that I've largely found my voice in women's spaces. You might also be right in saying that this is also where I've developed much of my comedic voice. Most notably, I was involved in a production at WWU called the Vagina Memoirs, not to be mistaken with the Vagina Monologues. In the Memoirs, we wrote our own pieces, and performed our own truths. I'm so proud of the women involved in the Vag Mems for what they have been able to say and do together. It always brings a smile to my face to think about sitting in room full of women who have so much to share. It also makes my heart heavy to think about what some of these incredible women have been through. It's not fair. I remember the conversations were so beautiful in their rhythms and fluidity, how we would smoothly transition from laughing to crying back to laughing. We could feel it all in a couple hours and it felt so good. We spoke the same language.
I'm writing about this tonight because I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and self doubt. Like maybe I just want to hide in my room and stop doing stuff that makes me vulnerable, like comedy. I don't know why I freak out and do this to myself but I think a lot of people do, especially women. Women are subject to so much shaming... of our bodies, sexuality, minds, driving skills, emotions, clothes, menstruation... It's draining. I don't like feeling powerless or so down on myself. However this self deprecation is rooted deeply. So deeply that you forget it's there. You think it's normal. You can't see it's roots.
Performing my memoir was so empowering and exciting. By standing on stage and speaking from a real place, I grew stronger. I feel that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful.
My piece made people laugh. But I also got to say some heavy shit. It made me feel bad ass. I'm proud of the girl who had just turned twenty and was starting to really tend to some painful wounds. On nights like tonight where I feel like my self worth is compromised, I want to remind myself to be proud of me and all the work I've done to learn to believe in myself, which of course I couldn't do without so many phenomenal women who have supported me, inspired me, made me laugh and taught me the ways of the vibrator.
I found a rough copy of my memoir in an old journal recently, which was exciting because I never typed up a copy.

Anywho, here it is!

My Vagina Memoir, Winter 2008 (Rough Draft)

"You know, I'm beginning to love myself for the first time. Yeah. But I mean really love myself. Seriously, I'm like... falling in love with myself. I feel like I've found the one, and it's me. I'm just the perfect lover for me. I always agree with me, I know what I want and I have the same sense of humor, same politics and same music taste... as myself. I also care a lot about my own orgasms. Which is more than I can say about any other lovers I've had.
I became my own lover about a year ago, about the same time I found my clitoris. (BTW getting vibrators is always a good call.)
So it started with just hooking up. Coming back to the dorms after class, asking my roomate if it would be okay if she'd leave for a bit so I could whack it, then you know, I'd whack it. Which is great, but now I like to do special things for myself, not just because I give myself great orgasms but because... I'm worth it.
So I'll pour myself a glass of wine, but not too much because I don't want to be too drunk to give myself full consent. And then, I light some candles and put something sexy on the stereo light Sade... (right? am I right!?) Okay so then I flirt a little in the mirror. A little small talk... whatever. Maybe say something witty under my breath and then laugh in that sexually frustrated way where I brush my hair back and afterwards give myself the eyes. You know, "the shut up and kiss me look." Then I look and myself and say "Damn it, you are so good looking!"
Ummm... I feel like some of you look freaked out. But maybe some of you want me to go on. No I shan't! I am a lady! JK, here's the deets.
So next I'll slowly strip off my clothing. Caress every inch of my skin. Then, to be honest, I get freaky. It's different every time. OH! Best orgasm ever: Not one, but two vibrators and on top of the washing machine. Y'all, spin cycle! I AM TELLING YOU!
Maybe some of you are uncomfortable with the fact that I'm my own lover. There's kind of a social taboo on, well, narcissism. I however am a fan.
But in all seriousness, I'm really happy that I can look at myself in the mirror and feel good about it. And I can touch my vagina and my clit and feel really good about that! I've really come a long way.
I used to look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I used to hear my own voice and my own thoughts and feel worthless and stupid. And I would never touch myself. That would be gross, that would be dirty and humiliating. I didn't get these notions from thin air. You know our society isn't really conducive for people truly understanding their self worth. This has had its affect on too many of us. For me,
Looking in the mirror could mean hair too frizzy face to freckly, chin too weak.
Speaking and thinking felt pointless, painful and annoying.
Touching my vagina, if that was even an option would be dirt, slime and years of rape and molestation rising to my conscious again.
And while I still have these thoughts, these insecurities, I'm starting to see myself more wholly. Beautiful, funny, intelligent, talented, sexy, compassionate and powerful.
I'm starting to love myself for the first time. I'm growing up and learning to love myself and others with all of my heart. And I'm going to work for a world where that's more common."

This may be kind of gnarly for a humor blog, but ah well. It reminds me where I get my sense of humor from, how I can use it, how I can be strong, and how when I'm reminded of why I do what I do, it matters less what people think. Sometimes when I'm feeling vulnerable, even though it hurts, I have to remember that it's scary but it's powerful. I wrote this memoir almost three years ago. Really when I had just started to not HATE myself. I've always used humor to get people to like me but I started learning how to use it to get people to listen, understand, laugh and heal. I want to build upon this, not tear it down. Here's to letting go and not tearing myself down.
Can we all believe in ourselves and stop having panic attacks already? Sheesh.

Small, Exquisitely Wrought Trinkets

(Scroll to end of post to avoid rant and see event info.)
As the summer winds down I've been focusing my energy on making a habit out of practicing comedy. I've been getting into comedy much like I get into a lake, really slowly and complaining the whole way about how uncomfortable it is. However, I know there is no turning back. Because I really really like comedy, and lakes.
It's been kind of rough forcing myself to do comedy regularly, not just when it's the most ideal situation. So I'm holding myself to do comedy no matter what at least twice a week. That means doing open mic nights where I'm the only one in the room without a guitar or a penis and even regularly driving down to Seattle to do comedy open mic nights.
I'm also learning the etiquette of stand up.T he culture if you will. My new goal, is don't drink so much and heckle the other comics even if they are men who sometimes say shitty things about women.
Also, I'm pretty sure I told Seth Lazear that I loved him in the middle of his set. Yikes.
I have to get in the zone, suck it up, stay more (keyword more) sober, save my love confessions for after the show and build some thicker skin. I want to be humble but confident in my abilities and be patient with myself and others.
Part of this process I think is develping community around comedy and having people to push me. It's important for me to have people that get me through the hard stuff and even suffer with me. For example:
The other night me and my friend Jesse went to an open mic night in Fairhaven. When we went to sign up we were told that comedy just doesn't work there. We signed up anyway. The crowd was small and uninterested in anything but dudes with guitars. We both tried to back out at various points. I told him that I'd had a bad day and that I might just start crying when I got on stage. He said that might be funny. I agreed. We both decided it was time to suck it up and just bomb. Ultimately we went up together and divided our set up by taking turns telling jokes. He had mostly one liners and I stuck to telling my "Monty story" which is an old joke about a one night stand I had in my youth. It was silly and ackward. Afterwords an old ex of Jesse's came up to us and said, "Horrible, I expect better next time." Then I started crying because I realized I forgot to call my brother on his birthday. It was a mess. However, thinking back, I think it was all a really beautiful, hillarious, painful and strange reflection of the human condition. A brilliant performance and expression of rediculocity. Overall, I'm really proud that we got up there and just fucking did it. Whatever. Fuck it. Life is meaningless and we're all going to die anyway. Right? Anyway, it was worth it because some girl at the bar came up to me and was really happy and surprised that I talked about my "wet, velvety pussy." I'm learning that comedy is going to be A TON of hard work even on days when the last thing I want to do is be funny. But as my friend Tracy says, "Find something hard to do and do it."

IN OTHER NEWS

My next performance is on Monday at The Glow
It is an art show called, Bijoux which means of course: Small Exquisitely Wrought Trinkets, according to the internet. I'm performing at 10 and really intend on giving this performance my all. I'm going to think of my set in terms of all of my differnt jokes being a bunch small, exquisitely wrought trinkets. And I will polish them and display them for your viewing pleasure.
ALSO, my silent film Modern Love will be playing on the t.v. by the bar throughout the night!
ALSO, ALSO, the art work of such amazing people as Jessyca Murphey, Riley Bamesberger, *augustine and others will be on display.
It's going to be fun! Hope to see you there.

Felt Jizz and Egg by Jessyca Murphey

Lezbanation!

I wrote some jokes about sitting undercover in on a secret meeting of heterosexual men who feared the growing visability and empowerment of Queer Women. When my roomate Valerie suggested that we make a trailer for Bellingham's Trailer Wars, this idea evolved into "Lezbanation."
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It was super fun to shoot and many laughs were had.
Special thanks to actors and extras: David Ney, Eric Holl, Robin Marquis, Geoff Traeger, Jenny Henley, Misty Fall, Maria, Tristen, Sheldon Botler, Peter Blackburn, Glyndon Jewell, Chelsey Webber Smith, Mel Estes and whomever else I've stupidly forgotten.
I love especially love some of the special effects Valerie put in such as the awesome lightning, the vocal sound effects, etc... I also want to point out that the scene where Chelsey Weber-Smith says "You will never touch us" and shoots lightning laser gun at poor Peter is based on a song she wrote where she's kissing her lady only to be harrassed by a douche lord. The chorus goes "You will never touch us, You will never touch us." I love it. Anyway as this scene was playing at trailer wars some guy yelled out "YEAAHHHH!" as they were making out and it was so great to hear him shut up as Chelsey Pulled out her laser gun and said that line.
I'd also like to explain that in the end when Sheldon picks up the lavender (which we accidently used sage so that's great) and David smells it and says "Lesbians!" that is supposed to be a historical reference to the Lavender Menace however it just turned out to seem a little silly. Although I clearly don't have any issues with irreverant silliness!
ONE MORE THING: The joke about Lady Gaga can sort of be explained by sentiments such as the one in this article.
You will notice that Valerie and my film production name is "TuSpock Productions." This is because one time we stole two cardboard cut outs of Spock from Uhaul and frequently danced with our two spock[s] which sounds just like TuPac! Coool!


Anyway, we had to cut a lot due to time, but HERE'S THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED

LezbiNation
Heartbeats, heavy breathing, unsteady dark camera shots going in and out showing men’s faces
Man 1: Their cumming!
Man 2: I can hear them! I can hear them cumming everywhere!
Man 3: They took my girlfriend away from me.
Man 4: It’s like they have some kind of power.
Sci fi music
Trailer Voice: In the Distant Future
Man hits on women in a store. She smiles.
Man: Want to know something impressive?
Woman: (looks away) Umm…
Hott Dyke walks by and smiles at her. She smiles back. Shot of man frightened and helpless.
Trailer Voice: In a world where life as we know it gets turned upside down.
Woman watching the L Word turns tv off and runs to the ironing board and motions ironing when she hears her husband walk in the door. He walks up behind her. She looks distant.
Husband: Hello honey. I’m feeling randy. Shall we womp womp?
Wife: (stares in the camera) No.
Trailer Voice: Year 2011
Newscaster: The women are turning gay at an alarming rate.
Newscaster 2: It seems as if all the women all around me are suddenly lesbians!!
Bill O’Reilly: I fucking hate the thing!
Ellen dancing
Women kissing on street
Man in Car: Hey do it again so I can see ya! Do it for me!
Woman smiles, kisses her gf and shoots him.

Crazy Man: (sign says something crazy and funny about dikes going to hell) Listen to me! The women are fornicating! With each other!! Like having sex! I’m serious! I don’t know how they do it but they do!
Man walks through bar. Everywhere he looks there are lesbians. Making out. Dancing. Laughing at him. Showing their armpit hair. Reading Judith Butler and other Queer Theory or Literature. He drops to the floor mouthing NOOOOO!!!!!
Trailer Voice: This summer straight men will do anything to get back what is rightfully theirs. Women.
Secret Man Meeting
Men: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue
Mayor Wartz: Order Order Hetero Gentleman! Order!
Man 1: I’m mad damnit!
Lieutenant Trouser Snake: I want my wife back!
Captain Third Nipple: You’re not getting your wife back Lieutenant Trouser Snake! (Silence ) I’m sorry she’s gone. She’s living with a girl named Kym. Spelled with a y. You see they move fast (shows picture of Uhaul).
L T S: But I thought the Lesbians taking Uhauls to their second date was a joke Captain Third Nipple…
C T N: (yells) Am I Laughing?!
L T S: cries Sandra Why? Can’t I use my penis to get her back? Or my knowledge of ancient…
C T N: No LIEUTENANT! It’s not like that. They already have a nice apartment downtown. They have a cat. And a goldfish. And matching tattoos. They go hiking. They have incredible sex. Just phenomenal. Constantly.
Soldier Short Cum: How can we stop them?
C T N: Good question Soldier Short Cum. Doctor Teabags Toilet Water?
Doctor Teabags Toilet Water: Well we’ve found out that they communicate via texting. They text rapidly and consistently. (Shows woman texting. Phone reads “I miss you! Want to rent some movies later? And then not actually watch them?) General Curve Dick, How’s operation Shayne assassination?
General Curve Dick: She’s Dead Doctor.
D T T W: Good. That will buy us some time. Professor Numnuts, what about this Gaga character?
Professor Numnuts: Lady Gaga? No worries. She’s on our side. What I don’t get is how did they discover the power of their sexuality? How did they find their clitorises? We’ve been successfully hiding it from women for so long even we forgot where they were.
Man: So they do exist!
Men: Rumma Ru Ma Ma! Rumma Ru Ma Ma!
A piece of lavender falls to the floor in slow motion. BOOM! Doctor Teabags Toilet Water picks it up and sniffs it. Looks Concerned.
L T S: What is it Doctor… Teabags Toilet waterrr?
D T T W: Lesbians!
Women surround the room. Woman with megaphone takes the stage.
Woman: Welcome to a Post Gender Society. Say Goodbye to your Patriarchy!
Screen goes black. Lightning Letters spell out “LezbiNation”
Two girls laugh and make cunnilingus gesture.
Screen Goes black again and reads “Cumming Soon…”
“And A lot”

RAPE JOKES (dunn dunn duuunnnnn)

Wow, the last time I posted was July 7th with my brilliant entry: First Time Drunk Blogging.
Here's my excuses for slacking: 1. I'm clearly a drunk. 2. I feel more than compelled to tackle issues such as rape and gender in my comedy blog. 3. It's difficult to convince myself to sit down and try to articulate my views on rape and gender as they relate to comedy on a blog that probably nobody will read except my Mom. (Love you MOM!)4. I'm so lazy I have to literally bribe myself to get out of bed in the morning with the promise of donuts and coffee.
However, until I get some of this off my chest, I simply cannot go on!

Rape Jokes: I can't even TELL YOU how many crappy rape jokes I've heard on the regular at comedy clubs, in the office (especially when I worked for our campus's Women's Center), on a first date, on t.v., etc... My friend, comedian Jesse Wilson at an open mic night commented that rape jokes are like the new airline food jokes.

So why the trend? What's with that? What's the deal? Is this thing on? Nope? OKAY.

One time I talked to a man...(rimshot)... and... I told him that I was a comedian as well and an activist who works among other things on rape prevention. He laughed to himself, looked down and said, "Huh, that's ironic." Why is this ironic? Oh because rape is funny. If rape is funny and I'm anti rape then I am not funny. I took logic. I know my modus tollens. The feeling I had after this moment is the same one I get when someone tells me a joke to push my buttons and they tell me "Look, it's a joke," when I don't laugh. "A joke, what's that?" I must not understand humor because I don't respond to some dude coming into the Women's Center and saying something like "Oh is this where the vulnerable chicks hang out?" or "Oh is this where I get my laundry done?" It's not that you're so edgy that I'm shocked and offended, I'm fucking bored. It's not original or subversive. It's been done. It's mainstream. Rape is mainstream. Rape jokes are mainstream. You know why I don't laugh at jokes that poke (haha) at getting the unnatractive, insecure, girl with a bad childhood drunk and taking her home? Because not only have I heard it a million times before and don't think it's interesting, I'm not sure you're kidding.

Alright Jessica, give people the benifit of the doubt... What about satire? If you knew the guy, you'd know that he's being ironic. Because he's such a good guy he can sarcastically talk about raping women. This is the same guy that isn't being racist, he's making fun of racism.

I'm not trying to say that I'm perfect or that I don't make mistakes. I'm priveleged in so many ways and access it in ways that oppress others. But I think that we all need to try harder to not oppress others. You know? Otherwise, what are we doing? I would really hope that someone would tell me if something I did or said was hurtful or further normalizing stereotypes or perpetuating systems of oppression.

Don't get me wrong: I recognize that there is grey area... especially in comedy. Some of the best jokes are complex and leave me feeling like I need to think about it and why I'm laughing. I also don't think that avoiding subjects altogether makes the issue go away. What's important to me in a joke and whether or not it's appropriate is: who's saying it, why are they saying it, how are they saying it, who is the audience, what is the audience really laughing at, is it interesting/ different and IS IT FUNNY?!

Please Please Please feel free to give commentary and/ or related comedy!