I'm just a girl in the city!

WOW!
So!
I’m living in Seattle thanks to some good friends helping me out.
I’ve been doing open mic nights every night and working on adjusting my material to the big city. People in my college town were sort of stoned and bored all the time so I feel like perhaps they were a bit of an easier crowd to please. Except for the folks at the local hookah bar; they were dead inside.
Anyway, I’m sort of flying by the seat of my pants, which is hard because I’m not wearing any.
There’s really no jobs it seems. I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and see my life in a romantic starving artist sort of way as opposed to a loser sort of way. It’s hard to value what you do when society or capitalism doesn’t always validate it. But I must stay strong! I must persist!
I am Jessica Sele and I am a COMEDIAN!!! And I'm gonna get business cards!!!
and comedy is imporant...
so I'll do it. okay.

Seven probably not deadly updates

Whoa. I haven't posted since FEBRUARY. That is absolutely out of line. Not okay. My deepest apologies go out to the blogosphere. In my defense I was trying to get a college degree real quick. Did that! Phew! Now I can be a stand up comic for all times.
Let me catch you up on a few things I've been doing/ feeling over the past few months:

1. "Eat your way through the East Bay"
Went to Oakland/ San Francisco for my Spring break. It was fabulous. Well, it was pouring rain the whole time and I had no money. However, I not only thorougly enjoyed the rad stand up comedy scene there, but also the abundance of lesbians who, like Starbucks, were garunteed to be found on nearly every street corner. I was feelin' real glad to be Queer.
Also, doing stand up open mics was really great and fun. Completely nerve wrecking, but fun. First I went to a ladies open mic night at the Brainwash, which is a cafe/bar/ laundry mat... I hope some day that I can time my comedy sets perfectly with my laundry. Then, this lady Morgan invited me to do comedy with her and some other folks at the Stud! I had a blast.
I also went to see Marga Gomez in one of her "Marga's Funny Mondays" at the Marsh in Berkely that she does. It was just so great and funny. Also, I found this video of that show we were at. You can hear me laughing. I just had that "this is where I belong right now" feeling. You know the kind other people get from like hiking? (I've been thinking a lot about hiking because I've been doing online dating and you have to pretend that you like hiking or kayaking to get the attention of Pacific Northwest lesbian environmentalist types. Not that I hate hiking, I just strongly prefer not to.) Anyway, the whole experience pushed me further towards moving to the bay. So that's the plan.

2.Dealing.
I think I've been doing a lot of growing in the past few months as far as accepting and understanding people are concerned. I've calmed down some. My outlook has changed about some of my difficulties with comedy. I don't really know how to explain this right now so I'll get back to you later on this. Basically I think I've grown much thicker skin and am better about being practical and using my heart and brain to push for making comedy more progressive/ funny/ accountable without burning out or keeping myself from being involved in comedy.

3. Doin' It and Doin' It and Doin' It Well.
I've had this blog for about a year and since then I've gone from needing to push myself to get on stage multiple times a week, to constantly craving more. Whereas I've played around with the idea of myself as a comedian for years, I didn't really become a comedian until this year. Now I'm a little obsessed. However, I think I'm happier than I've ever been, although still obviously quite neurotic.

4. S.U.C.K.
At Western, a group of students put together the Stand Up Comedy Klub. There was a pretty good sized group of comics who were really great and funny that I got to hang out with, set up shows with, write jokes with, etc... We also made some connections with folks at the Upfront who were wanting to do more stand up comedy. Anyway, making friends who do what you do makes all the difference. I think we had a pretty good little stand up scene going in Bellingham for a bit that I'm proud to have been a part of.

5. My first story!
I was pretty proud and excited when the local Bellingham paper, "What's Up," did a story about me. I really liked the way it was written and am pretty pleased about it. Here's "Jessica Sele: Beyond kitty cats and periods."

6. The Roast of Jim Allen (not Tim Allen).
So I was in my first roast a few weeks ago. Some of the dudes from S.U.C.K. and I got together and roasted our friend, Jim Allen, who has been doing comedy consistantly in Bellingham throughout his college career. We roasted him in the Underground Coffee House where Jim went to every single open mic night for four years. I really respect Jim's love of and dedication to comedy. It has made me push harder. Derek Sheen (who is hilarious) from Seattle came up and roasted him as well. I can't put the video up online, but if you send me a couple bucks I'll burn you a copy and send it to you. It's worth it, especially if you know Jim Allen.

7. comeD.I.Y. ZINES!
I am really into the idea of making zines to express myself and make a few bucks to support my comedy career. This might be the first of many endeavors that will become "Jessica Sele the Merchandise." I'm working on one right now that I'm really excited about that will explore the ways my sexuality and my comedy are connected and make up who I am. It will be a comedy zine but also get into some heavy and honest aspects of my life. I'm gonna be real, it's gonna be really good.
In the mean time, I just finished a zine called "Born This Way: The Politics of Essentializing Sexuality." It's pretty controversial, but I think I make an okay case, and it's entertaining. I have a bunch of printed copies, so I can just send you one. If you send me a couple bucks then you'll be supporting my work and I'll even sign it for you! If that sounds like a pain in the ass, just give me your email and I'll attach the pdf to a message and send it to you.

I feel as if 7 is a pretty good Biblical number of things to write about so I feel okay about this now. Please forgive my inexcusable blog neglect and try to learn to trust me again! Now that I'm out of school all I want to do is write cool things and make cool things that will make you laugh and stir your brains around in an uncomfortable yet pleasing and validating way that connects us all to our greater humiliating humanity!

My summer plans besides saving money to move to the bay, are to do a ton of writing, making videos and other projects that address issues ranging from globalization to ackward dates to foot fungus. So do not touch that dial! Do not get up from that sofa! Stay tuned! Cool stuff coming up! I swear! Just, stay right there!!!

Ridiculous

Comedians just make the most sense to me in terms of worldviews right now. Because shit is RIDICULOUS.
The best way to explain the bullshit bills republicans in Congress were trying to pass in order to limit what constitutes as rape for abortion coverage is in this Daily Show video.
In case anyone was wondering how "rape jokes" can be provakative and subversive, there ya go.
THANK YOU.

Capricorn

In the past couple of years I have gotten really into whorescopes. love'm. I wonder if this is because I've done so much deconstructing social stereotypes that I've started channeling my need to generalize in this direction. I'm really progressive with race, gender, sexuality and ability, but I don't much like Aries or Scorpios.

When I told my Mom when I was dating a woman it was really emotional for me because I was worried she wouldn't be okay with it. She was. But she got really mad when she found out the woman I was dating was an Aries. Aries tend to be really self centered and rash, just flailing around and charging at shit with their stupid ram heads. But hey, I have a really good friend that's an Aries.

Anyway, my horscopes lately have been super relevant to my comedy career. Like really literal. Like this one from Free Will Astrology:
Stand-up comedian Arj Barker says that when he writes each of his jokes, he's thinking that all he needs to do is make it funny enough to get at least three people in the audience to laugh at it. More than three is gravy, and he hopes he does get more. But if he can just get those three, he believes, he will always get a lot of work in his chosen profession. In accordance with the astrological rhythms, Capricorn, I urge you to adopt a similar approach. To be successful in the coming days, you don't need an approval rating of 80 percent.

How did they know?



Also, I just really relate to being a goat/fish. okay?

Deeper Than Our Cuts

I’ve had an odd time getting back on my comedy feet since the holiday break.
I’ve been performing at open mic nights here and there and feeling just a little off; which is fine because you certainly can learn and grow a lot from a rough patch. Failure can push you. I can feel it pushing me as I’m seeking for words in front of a blank audience. I’m working hard to find my footing. But I feel that I’m where I should be.
Tuesday night was particularly rough for me. A group of other Western Washington University comics and I did an open mic night on campus which went FINE. Then we had a few drinks and went down to an open mic night at our local hookah bar, “The Cobra Lounge.” I went first and bombed really hard which didn’t phase me too much as I was fairly faded. My friends went on after me and had similar (lack of) reactions from the audience. It’s one thing to do a set where the audience doesn’t laugh, it’s another when the audience doesn’t move or blink and are most likely just staring at the pretty colors they see dancing around you. After a few of us performed, the manager was encouraging people in the Cobra Lounge to get up and tell jokes themselves. They were telling fucking knock knock jokes. It was ridiculous. Was that their interpretation of what we do? After we pour out our souls telling material that took us real time and energy to write, some dumb fucks go up, introduce themselves as standups and tell knock knock jokes? I’m fine with that, whatever. But then this guy goes up and tells the following joke:
“What’s the difference between jam and jelly? You can jam your DICK DOWN A BITCH’S MOUTH!!!”
Commence Jessica Sele Melt Down (JSMD).
I started crying and shaking and was swiftly escorted to the Ranch Room (B’ham dive bar) by my fellow comedians. I was very clearly angry and I don’t think they really knew what to do. They made me laugh some and bought me chicken strips and a beer. I didn’t want to but felt I had to explain that I’m a survivor of sexual violence and that the “joke” we heard was very triggering for the image it presented as well as the language. It’s hard enough being the only girl but then to be crying about something uncontrollable and triggering makes it even more difficult. I knew that I shouldn’t have been, but I was embarrassed. It’s ideal for a comic to be able to take pain and anger and gain power from that through really good comedy. Through humor I can reclaim spaces. I can have the last word and the last laugh. I can make something terrible into something laughable. It relieves fear and helplessness. However on Tuesday night I couldn’t quite shake off my hurt. I felt alienated and disrespected not only as a woman and a survivor but as a comedian. Shitty jokes fucking insult my fucking art. FUCK. So I told the guys I’m not sure that I can do it anymore. Does the good of doing comedy out weigh the pain, the disrespect, the vulnerability, the cold nights at the Cobra Lounge, the bad grades, etc? Then my friend James said something that struck me; he said, “Our cuts are deep but we are deeper than our cuts.” Then we drank to it, “Deeper than our cuts!” Clink.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but I’m infinitely strong. I’m so much more than a survivor or a woman. Also, I’m fucking Goddess/ rising phoenix/ warrior who happens to be FUNNY ALSO.
ALSO.
I spent the entire next day pretty much just hiding in my room and watching Conan. It needed to happen. When rape culture gets you down, watch Conan O’Brien…
I feel like writing the sickest/ gnarliest jokes about rape culture and people who tell poorly written and uninteresting rape jokes. I want to use my voice to get people laugh with me about things that we cannot let have power over us. Watch out 18 year old culturally appropriating, privileged, hookah smoking stoners. Next Tuesday I’m gonna be funny with a fucking vengeance. I’m going to MAKE YOU laugh. Mwahaha! MWAAAH HA HAA!

Funny Not Slutty? Dangit!

So it's been a little bit since the last time I've written. I was busy with finals (hey fifth year of college!), volunteering (a donation to DVSAS in a family member's name could be the perfect holiday gift!) and well, writing and performing comedy. I competed in my University's version of Last Comic Standing and won which was really fun (but not as fun as performing with comics who are becoming my friends and putting on a good show with a bunch of my best friends in the audience!) The prize was an opening spot for an Upright Citizens' Brigade show. That was also fun and of course I took them out to show off Bellingham's local dive bars after the show, ending the evening in drunken karaoke. For the record, karaoke with experienced improv comics is as much fun as it sounds like and I'd be a liar if I said I didn't throw my bra at one of them for singing an excellent version of an Otis Redding song. Which Otis Redding song? No idea.
But at any rate, I've been doing comedy for a few years but since I started this blog a few months ago and started holding myself accountable to BEING A COMEDIAN and DOING COMEDY I've learned about myself and others and life. I've been going places I normally wouldn't go (The Cobra Lounge) hanging out with people I normally wouldn't (bros) and learning things about myself and people that I wouldn't have otherwise. I'm really loving it. With that said, it's difficult.
My life seems as if it is in a bit of a transitory phase. Which is good I suppose. As my friends and I are graduating college and moving away, our communities, lifestyles, and beliefs are shifting. We're changing. And people always should be.
Evolving.
Still, as I'm stretching myself and my ideas about comedy and society (to be open and postmodern to a degree that would have made me throw up in my mouth a couple years ago)I can't imagine myself not needing a feminist community. I need radical freaky weird girls around me to be sane. Often I go about my life worrying if people like me and assuming they don't and feeling like I don't fit in. Which is fine, because I'm a comedian. It's also fine because I'm a feminist. Rad, hairy, hysterical feminists make me feel like everything makes sense because they all know as I do that nothing makes sense. I also feel this way about comedians.
Can I combine my love of social justice with my love of comedy? Where is this community?
Time for some quick online research...
Seemingly the most active site for feminist comedians is Funny not Slutty. I'd like to start off by pointing out that I think this is a rad thing as are all hubs for women making connections. Although, those of you who know me, know that I am against a funny/ slutty dichotomy. Their slogan is "Funny not Slutty, We make women laugh." 'Tis a noble cause. But why the name? They Say, "Well, when you get a number of females together who want to show off their stuff to get attention, they are usually slutty chicks. But we’re not. We’re funny chicks!"
DANG IT! NO! I hate this divisiveness amongst women. It's "we're better than you because we're funny not slutty."
Personally, I'm pro slutty. I would hope my humor has an anti slut-shaming message. Can we stop pointing the finger at women? Lets challenge patriarchy, not just the women who are living within and surviving a patriarchal society. Can we start respecting women already?
It's true, I have short hair, rarely wear make up and don't shave. I don't look slutty. And I do comedy, so I'm funny. This leaves men and some women who think it is a feminist action and think it's appropriate to bash other women to me because the these women wear short skirts and lots of makeup and flirt with boys.
One time for Halloween, I dressed up as a slutty firefighter in a blond wig and even some of my own friends who didn't recognize me looked at me like I was a piece of garbage and men felt even freer than they already do to harass me and grab me. However, this is what we tell women to be. No matter what you do or how you look, you can't win.
You're too pretty, too dumb, too slutty or too bitchy, too ugly, too crass, etc... Either mainstream society, or men, or feminists or whoever will judge you.
Furthermore, I believe the reason a lot of women don't do comedy is because being funny is seen as the antithesis of being sexy or pretty which is what society is most concerned with women being. This leads me to ask...
Can I live?
Can
I
LIVE?
I see women who might be stereotyped as "breezies" to be some of the most receptive to my comedy. I would hope they leave feeling uplifted and inspired and respected. If I achieve this with my comedy, that would be really incredible to me.
It's about people feeling comfortable in their own skin and laughing at all the reasons they aren't. Or something.

Another site that I really liked but didn't seem to be updated regularly is Wisecrack. I especially enjoyed their interview with Margaret Cho. That was a really neat and helpful article to me. I liked it when she gave advice that suggested not sleeping with male comics even though you will. Tell me about it.
This interview with Morgan Murphey was also inspiring and informative. It is "On Sisterhood in Comedy and Making People Laugh."
These lady comics are affirming my understanding of the need to have a supportive lady community in my freaking life.

My friend Jenn says (and I think she's quoting someone, likely a riot grrl rock girl from Olympia of some mid 90s type), "Everybody needs someone to get them, if only for 15 minutes." This is so true. Could be family, activists, feminists, comedians and generally human beings. Just gotta keep living and growing, pushing myself and staying true to my core. Ultimately not worrying about those who "don't get me" and giving back those who do. That's my advice to my funny/ slutty/ whole human being self. Through the years I hope to revisit this as my life/ career progresses.

EVIL

On facebook chat:
Me:Oh no, My set for Last Comic Standing is pure evil...
Janette Casolary: What kind of evil?
Me: Female sexuality evil...

Oops!
Sorry Pope Benedict!


Also, could you look any more like the Empirer in the Empire Strikes Back? Yikes.

Time turns into color...

SO, this is my favorite thing right now. I had a little too much Robitussin the other night and I stared at that website and laughed for at least an hour and shared it with whoever happened to be on facebook at 3am.
Oh goodness, well... my life is going normally. Home for Thanksgiving. Writing comedy. The theme to my comedy is mostly death right now and that probably has something to do with the weather being absolutely apocalyptic right now. Yikes. Miserable. Hate it. The worst part of the snow and the holiday season in general is how cute couples get. Playing in the snow. Cuddling by fires. Disgusting. A couple was behind me in a long Starbucks line yesterday, baby talking, kissing, snuggling. I was like, "EXCUSE ME, some of us ARE LONELY!!! So unless you want to let me join you, I suggest you stop. But really, can I join you? Please."

I've had more stage time than usual in the past couple weeks, which is great because WWU's Last Comic Standing is in a week! I'm excited because I think that since we first had this event three years ago, a lot of us Western comedians have developed a lot. Anyway, I hope it's a good show.

So...I had an interesting experience last week where a friend of mine did a joke on stage that offended a couple girls in the front row. The joke was not a rape joke necessarily but it had rapey undertones. It was a "lack of consent" joke. A girl whispered under her breath "that's not funny" and this really upset him. I feel a little weird talking about this on my blog because I do have respect for him, but I found this to be a tricky and loaded scenario. I did my best to comfort him, because he was upset, but I also understood where these girls were coming from. I have written about these issues here and here. I get a little sick of writing about these things. In my opinion, his jokes weren't totally offensive but they were bordering on upsetting for me. I really respect him and comics like him who dedicate themselves to writing and performing jokes to make people laugh. However, when they get sooooo defensive and angry at people they upset, I feel bad for them but not as bad as I feel for the people they upset. Especially when those people are upset because they feel like jokes are condoning or encouraging rape culture (or other social/institutionalized oppressions). I would choose being the person who has to deal with telling an offensive rape joke over being the woman who has been raped and is triggered by the joke's content. I honestly feel that some comedians, especially white males, just absolutely do not understand why they are hurting people. It's really weird. I just want to tell them there's this invisible thing they can't see. It's called oppression and you aren't breaking it down, you're perpetuating it. If you understood it better maybe you could be smarter with some of your jokes and actually do some cool subversive and progressive shit with it. So, read a book.

It's sad in a way because society socialized them to be a certain way and then they're punished for it in ways they don't understand. Unfortunately their defensiveness or unwillingness to hear about it can be even more hurtful and oppressive.

FUUUUUCCK, I don't really want to be this person that has to talk about this shit. This is going to be a problem for me in navigating the world of comedy, I think.Sometimes I don't want to be "that girl." However, it's who I am. It's my world view. And it's right... so there. It is a bit of a burden to have views that differ from the mainstream. It is a never ending battle. It's annoying. That's why you have to fucking have a sense of humor about it.
But damn this shit is complicated.

In regards to comedians or others confronting people about their privilege in tactful ways (not that you have to, do what you want) this video by Jay Smooth is quite excellent. Replace the word race or racist with rape or rapist as need be.

In somewhat related news, this article spotlights an anti rape campaign in Canada called "Don't be that guy." It's aimed at preventing sexual assault. It has slogans like "Just because you helped her home, doesn't mean you get to help yourself." I love it. I'd love to do something similar in Bellingham/ Seattle this year. I'd love to have similar campaigns with creative and comical ways of shaking up society. Let's be real, it could use some shaking up.

On taking offense...

Last night I went to a comedy show that left me more depressed than before I went to it. This is certainly not what comedy should do.
The first half was pretty good. It was funny. Offensive jokes here and there but I could stomach them because overall, the comics were funny.
However somewhere along the lines the show became only about "midget jokes" accompanied with the occasional rape joke. It was honestly really embarrassing. However the rest of the crowd loved it. In fact they were encouraging it. There's something disturbing about seeing people just crack up at jokes that hurt you.
The explanation if you take offense is always, "It's a joke, it's just a joke." Or, "It's comedy." I understand, there is something to be said about laughing at jokes you're not supposed to or taking a taboo subject and laughing at it. Okay, I get that. Everybody does that. But where do you draw the line? I don't know, but sometimes I'll see someone, like maybe a white man, say something really fucking racist or sexist or homophobic or ableist in way that is just blatantly hurtful, unoriginal and unfunny and I just want to ask them if it makes them feel powerful. There's a lot of selfishness, entitlement, ignorance and privilege that makes people feel like they can and should put other people down. They're pushing other people down to raise themselves up. That's how privilege and oppression works.
There is no such thing as "it's just a joke." Words have meaning. They can have devastating effects.
Take for example the LGBT teen suicides that have been happening for a while but are getting a ton of attention lately (finally). This video discusses some different kinds of oppression that LGBT peoples face which contribute to the suicides. Around 1:26, Gene Fucking Simmons says, "Bullying isn't always about fists. It often starts with a joke." Jokes can be used to put people down, to hurt people, to scare people, etc... They can be devastating.
Laughter can be healing but it can also be cruel.
Once I was at the Horseshoe (local dive bar) with Paul Beatty (NO BIG DEAL) and we were talking about taking offense to humor. He said that he was chatting with Sarah Silverman's Rabbi sister who said she doesn't think it's legitimate to say you're offended. You're not offended. You're sad or angry or hurt or scared or upset or deflated, etc... (Here is an interesting interview he did that touches on similar issues.) I think Sarah Silverman's Rabbi sister is right. In that same respect comedians should note that people don't get offended just to get offended. There's usually something else going on that should be taken into account.
Comedians are always going to offend someone. But it matters how they offend them.
I offend people all the time. Especially when I'm talking about my sexuality. This is me expressing my experience and liberating myself. I'm not putting down already vulnerable groups. Quite the opposite. I'm resisting the silencing suppression of my Queer female sexuality by a patriarchal rape culture that would like me to stay trapped in a web of fear and shame.
In the recent documentary on Joan Rivers, she gets heckled by an audience member after a Helen Keller joke. The man yells out, "That's not funny. My son is deaf." She calls him a moron and says "It's comedy." However after her show she seems sympathetic towards him. I found it interesting to see how she dealt with this. Yeah, it's hard not to offend people. Often comedians will have some offensive material but are generally funny and smart and kind. I respect them.
I do not respect people who take the stage to unabashedly target a marginalized group of people like little people. It was really bad last night. The friend I went with was doing a lot of heckling. I might have stopped her because I know how hard comedy can be and I want to respect the comedians but fuuuuuuck. These guys were like the creepiest assholes. Also my favorite part of the whole show was when one comeian said, "Why would I be afraid of midgets? What are they gonna do?" and my friend yelled out "They'll light you on fire!"
Okay well. Thanks for humoring my female hysteria once again. Yikes.
Here is a pretty good article that talks about contemporary humor and ableism that is relevant to the issues mentioned above.
You know, I think I'm pretty good at giving comics the benefit of the doubt and I give them as much respect as I can. However sometimes, I'm just want comedy to fucking step it up and reach its potential of being fun and awesome and not shitty and fucked up. Sometimes shit is not okay, and people have every right to be offended.
This offensive show last night made me feel like I can't yet I have to do comedy.
I have to go to bed now.

Process

Hello. It's midnight. I'm a little lonely but probably fine. Wanting to get over a cough that I have had FOREVER and am almost certain is being caused by poison in the walls. I just tried to write a smart post regarding gendered humor, language and atmosphere in stand up comedy but don't have it in me tonight. Maybe tomorrow though. So look out for that. It's going to be a brilliant and enlightening experience for you. Fucking Plato coming out of caves. Seeing light and shit.

I have been obsessed with comedy lately. I've been writing constantly and when I'm not thinking about sex or sexism, I'm thinking about comedy projects. It is a little much. Perhaps it's good just to have a real creative outlet to persue. There's something about stand up that is just the lamest/ coolest thing to me. It is the incredible combo of lame and cool that draws me. I listened to an interview with Jon Stewart and he was talking about his stand up process. He said that somewhere along the lines he realized how good he was and how bad he was. There's something very comforting and very human about that. As I'm doing comedy regularly I'm really learning how good I am and how bad I am. It's empowering and humbling. I'm loving the process. I'm growing as a comic and as a human. And shit do I love making people laugh.

I performed at the Underground Coffee House this week and it was a great experience all around. Although I spent the time before hacking up phlem in the bathroom and trying not to pass out, once I got on stage I forgot I was sick. Sometimes I just have to force myself to go onstage and hopefully I can work through some shit and get off the stage feeling better than before. You could say... it's healing to express yourself.

Here's an article that our campus paper put out yesterday about the show.


I'm hoping there's gonna be more stand up around Bellingham and at Western this year.

Dane Cook... I'm a little impressed.

So as some of you may know, my strategy for making it as a comic is to start a rumor that I've been sleeping with Dane Cook. I have a comedy set that I like to perform in social settings called my "I fucked Dane Cook last night" jokes. This always works because if the people I'm telling this to don't know me at all they might believe me or think I'm crazy, either of which is entertaining for me, but if it's people who do know me hopefully very intimately as many do, the absurdity (which in my life means probablilty) of me hooking up with DANE COOK (the graphics and dialogue that me and Dane Cook might have in intimacy) is equally entertaining for all involved. So basically, if you ever hear anyone mention Dane Cook in passing, it's up to you to say, "Oh my, I heard that he's been caught sleeping around with Jessica Sele. You haven't heard of her? Oh she's a comedian. Yeah I think they have a sex tape circulating."

Well anyway, sometimes people ask me what my opinion on Dane Cook is and I say "don't have one." I've heard sometimes he's offensive. I don't know. Haven't seen enough of his stuff. No comments at this time. I think he's one of those people who are successful and easy for everyone to hate. I might hate him too if we didn't have freaky comedian sex all the time. Other than that, I cannot say.

EXCEPT THAT I am a little fascinated with Daddy Big Cookie's (as I call him in our throws of passion) commentary in next clip. It's interesting because I have a couple slightly funny jokes about people who say "that's so gay." I was meaning to write some jokes about overhearing people say things like "Oh man, I just raped that test." Then my friend sent me this:



Apparently I must have mentioned some thoughts I had about my set to Dane Cook while we were spooning...
A lot of comics have talked about the stigma and use of words in our society. The most famous of course being George Carlin. Then of course there's Dave Chappelle's take on the n-word (no I don't use the word. why? buy me a beer and I'll tell you why I find it unneccessarry). The most interesting bit on the n-word to me is in this clip of Richard Pryor. It's interesting because he was famous for the way he overused the word previously to this. I admire his bravery to continuously check what it was that he was saying. Richard Pryor was constantly thinking and evolving as true artists should. HELLO.
At any rate I would like to say that I'm pleasantly surprised with Dane Cook's commentary on the casual use of the word rape in our society. It seems to me that Mr. Mainstream might actually have some thoughts or critiques of mainstream society. So now when people ask me what I think of him and isn't he a sell out idiot, I'll have something to say in addition to my tales of our copulation which is "I don't think he's as much of an idiot as other people think. Maybe." Then again, I probably have lower standards than I should of what constitutes as smart comedy or good men. Sometimes I think I just try to make hey look like needles because I'm sick of looking... for real needles... in hey stacks... This to me is where, "Hey, at least he's not telling rape jokes!" meets "Hey at least he's not a rapist!" for many.
right.
Also, FYI, this bit has always cheered me up when I'm pretty desperately depressed, which is the best thing about comedy:



Also, Sorry my posts are so weird.
Actually, I'm not sorry.
Sorry.

The Personal is Political is Hilarious

Hey, you know what I love about stand up? It really just can't hurt me to be myself. There is nothing in me that is too embarrassing or shameful. The more I indulge myself by letting myself be HELLA Jessica Sele (emotional, hysterical, radical, smelly, crazy, analytical, nuerotic, etc...) the funnier. Embraces it, loves it.
God bless my poor Father who has been putting me through college and wants me to do something smarter with my degree. Can't blame him. Comedy is pretty dumb... hard to make money, it's not prestigous or societally respectable, hella people hate stand up these days... not to mention it's exhausting and miserable. I unfortunately just love it. My Dad likes to suggest other careers…
“Dad, I want to be a stand-up comic”
"Have you thought about foreign diplomacy?"
“Okay, Dad, seriously. I don’t even know what that is.”
I CANNOT GO INTO POLITICS. Which is such a bummer because I’m right about everything. But no, there is way too much dirt on me. Can’t be president with my track record. I imagine the media coverage:
“This just in: Presidential candidate Jessica Sele is a huge dirty slut. We here at the news team just Googled “Jessica Sele” and immediately found disturbing results. Now, some of these pictures may be upsetting for some of you at home. Janice, can you tell us what we have here?”
“Of course Jim. Here we have the presidential candidate simulating oral sex on a parking meter. Notice her pupils are dilated, she is not wearing a bra and she is holding a sign that says ‘Fuck the Police.’ Also, she is most likely menstruating. Is this the picture we want for America, America? God help us. God help us all.”

On the other hand, the one that’s not in my pocket… If I’m a COMEDIAN, I don’t think there’s anything you could say that wouldn’t help my career. Seriously, what are you gonna do?
“This just in: Jessica Sele, comedian, caught downtown being completely normal and boring. Is this the end of her career? Tonight at ten.”
As a comedian, I do not feel like there’s any part of me I really need to hide. I guess it wouldn’t be a good idea to get on stage and start crying or something. That’s not good for comedy. That wouldn’t be funny. Oh wait… yeah it would, just maybe not right away.
Can’t take life TOO seriously. It’s so gratifying to know that if someone came up to me and said, “Jessica, Oh my God! I heard that you had sex with a 34 year old man off of Craigslist casual encounters and then you got mad that the sex wasn’t reciprocal so you painted an angry vagina with teeth and googly eyes on the side of his house!” that I could just respond, “Oh so you’ve seen my act,” and laugh.

Before my egg sandwhich

Show tonight at Bellingham's finest nightclub THE GLOW will be a benifit for the local hella punk rock non profit MakeShift.

Here's my inspiration:



AND



AND ELLEN DUH

Doing this life

I may or may not suck at being a blogger. I'm not sure. Sometimes I'm like it's this thing I should do. Maybe I should blog today. Maybe I haven't quite figured out what the deal is with my blog yet. What's it about, what's its style? Is it about mapping my journey through comedy? Is it just written comedy? Is it socially analyzing the constructs and implications of comedy? It, like everything else I've ever known is having identity issues. But it is just going to have to deal with that and realize it doesn't always need to be understood. It should just rest easy knowing that it has something to do with comedy and realistically, it's just a way for me to avoid cleaning my room and nobody likes to read anymore anyway.
Well, I've been doing fine at making sure that I'm practicing comedy regularly. Stickin' to my at least two times a week rule. Last week I performed for open mic night at the Cobra Lounge, a hookah club in Bellingham whose slogan is: "The Cobra Lounge is Not a Crime." When I got there, there was a young white male rapper who I believe had the lyric: "I wanna smoke my weed from inside you girl." God bless his soul. God bless this town. I paid five dollars for a membership and need the stage time so I will be there every Tuesday.
Last weekend I went down to Seattle to have a "comedy rager weekend." This means I drank way too much, smoked too much weed, and made bad decisions (sex with man on friend's futon =/ YIKES WHATEVER) but with the overall intent of doing and watching comedy. It was pretty great minus the terrrible hangover. No more drinking. I'm cereal. BUT YEAH, I got to see one of my most favorite comics Hari Kondabolu! He is a great comic and I think will be taping his Comedy Central Special this weeek! So excited. Let me know if you have cable so I can watch that. Anywho, I also went ahead and did the open mic while I was down there which was good fun except there was this one dude who's whole set was an odd anti circumcision lecture that started off with "Who here knows what suction is?" Oh foreskin.
OH I AM excited to say that I am working on a couple of film projects...
I AM ALSO working on some merchandise including an activity book full of mad libs and crosswords.
LASTLY I AM starting up a comic group with some guys at Western called
Stand Up Comedy Klub (SUCK).
okay.

So Long... Funny Girl

I remember a girl who told me that I remind her of Barbra Streisand. I said to myself, she GETS ME.

I entertained her for a time at the bar. Her laugh like a chocolate fondue in the thick of a heavy December menstration. It was her cackle I craved. I did my voices, told stories, made faces and puns. I spoke of my experience(s (yikes)) with craigslist casual encounters and of my absurdly abundant pubic hair. I did impressions of Al Gore watching a tennis match, Bjork making a drunken 3am phonecall to an ex, and Amy Goodman having an orgasm.
In the end... it is all for naught...
Of course when she left with her fiance man guy I did what I always do.
everytime:

laughing, healing, laughing, crying, screaming, laughing, whacking it, healing.

It would be safe to say that I've largely found my voice in women's spaces. You might also be right in saying that this is also where I've developed much of my comedic voice. Most notably, I was involved in a production at WWU called the Vagina Memoirs, not to be mistaken with the Vagina Monologues. In the Memoirs, we wrote our own pieces, and performed our own truths. I'm so proud of the women involved in the Vag Mems for what they have been able to say and do together. It always brings a smile to my face to think about sitting in room full of women who have so much to share. It also makes my heart heavy to think about what some of these incredible women have been through. It's not fair. I remember the conversations were so beautiful in their rhythms and fluidity, how we would smoothly transition from laughing to crying back to laughing. We could feel it all in a couple hours and it felt so good. We spoke the same language.
I'm writing about this tonight because I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and self doubt. Like maybe I just want to hide in my room and stop doing stuff that makes me vulnerable, like comedy. I don't know why I freak out and do this to myself but I think a lot of people do, especially women. Women are subject to so much shaming... of our bodies, sexuality, minds, driving skills, emotions, clothes, menstruation... It's draining. I don't like feeling powerless or so down on myself. However this self deprecation is rooted deeply. So deeply that you forget it's there. You think it's normal. You can't see it's roots.
Performing my memoir was so empowering and exciting. By standing on stage and speaking from a real place, I grew stronger. I feel that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful.
My piece made people laugh. But I also got to say some heavy shit. It made me feel bad ass. I'm proud of the girl who had just turned twenty and was starting to really tend to some painful wounds. On nights like tonight where I feel like my self worth is compromised, I want to remind myself to be proud of me and all the work I've done to learn to believe in myself, which of course I couldn't do without so many phenomenal women who have supported me, inspired me, made me laugh and taught me the ways of the vibrator.
I found a rough copy of my memoir in an old journal recently, which was exciting because I never typed up a copy.

Anywho, here it is!

My Vagina Memoir, Winter 2008 (Rough Draft)

"You know, I'm beginning to love myself for the first time. Yeah. But I mean really love myself. Seriously, I'm like... falling in love with myself. I feel like I've found the one, and it's me. I'm just the perfect lover for me. I always agree with me, I know what I want and I have the same sense of humor, same politics and same music taste... as myself. I also care a lot about my own orgasms. Which is more than I can say about any other lovers I've had.
I became my own lover about a year ago, about the same time I found my clitoris. (BTW getting vibrators is always a good call.)
So it started with just hooking up. Coming back to the dorms after class, asking my roomate if it would be okay if she'd leave for a bit so I could whack it, then you know, I'd whack it. Which is great, but now I like to do special things for myself, not just because I give myself great orgasms but because... I'm worth it.
So I'll pour myself a glass of wine, but not too much because I don't want to be too drunk to give myself full consent. And then, I light some candles and put something sexy on the stereo light Sade... (right? am I right!?) Okay so then I flirt a little in the mirror. A little small talk... whatever. Maybe say something witty under my breath and then laugh in that sexually frustrated way where I brush my hair back and afterwards give myself the eyes. You know, "the shut up and kiss me look." Then I look and myself and say "Damn it, you are so good looking!"
Ummm... I feel like some of you look freaked out. But maybe some of you want me to go on. No I shan't! I am a lady! JK, here's the deets.
So next I'll slowly strip off my clothing. Caress every inch of my skin. Then, to be honest, I get freaky. It's different every time. OH! Best orgasm ever: Not one, but two vibrators and on top of the washing machine. Y'all, spin cycle! I AM TELLING YOU!
Maybe some of you are uncomfortable with the fact that I'm my own lover. There's kind of a social taboo on, well, narcissism. I however am a fan.
But in all seriousness, I'm really happy that I can look at myself in the mirror and feel good about it. And I can touch my vagina and my clit and feel really good about that! I've really come a long way.
I used to look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I used to hear my own voice and my own thoughts and feel worthless and stupid. And I would never touch myself. That would be gross, that would be dirty and humiliating. I didn't get these notions from thin air. You know our society isn't really conducive for people truly understanding their self worth. This has had its affect on too many of us. For me,
Looking in the mirror could mean hair too frizzy face to freckly, chin too weak.
Speaking and thinking felt pointless, painful and annoying.
Touching my vagina, if that was even an option would be dirt, slime and years of rape and molestation rising to my conscious again.
And while I still have these thoughts, these insecurities, I'm starting to see myself more wholly. Beautiful, funny, intelligent, talented, sexy, compassionate and powerful.
I'm starting to love myself for the first time. I'm growing up and learning to love myself and others with all of my heart. And I'm going to work for a world where that's more common."

This may be kind of gnarly for a humor blog, but ah well. It reminds me where I get my sense of humor from, how I can use it, how I can be strong, and how when I'm reminded of why I do what I do, it matters less what people think. Sometimes when I'm feeling vulnerable, even though it hurts, I have to remember that it's scary but it's powerful. I wrote this memoir almost three years ago. Really when I had just started to not HATE myself. I've always used humor to get people to like me but I started learning how to use it to get people to listen, understand, laugh and heal. I want to build upon this, not tear it down. Here's to letting go and not tearing myself down.
Can we all believe in ourselves and stop having panic attacks already? Sheesh.

Small, Exquisitely Wrought Trinkets

(Scroll to end of post to avoid rant and see event info.)
As the summer winds down I've been focusing my energy on making a habit out of practicing comedy. I've been getting into comedy much like I get into a lake, really slowly and complaining the whole way about how uncomfortable it is. However, I know there is no turning back. Because I really really like comedy, and lakes.
It's been kind of rough forcing myself to do comedy regularly, not just when it's the most ideal situation. So I'm holding myself to do comedy no matter what at least twice a week. That means doing open mic nights where I'm the only one in the room without a guitar or a penis and even regularly driving down to Seattle to do comedy open mic nights.
I'm also learning the etiquette of stand up.T he culture if you will. My new goal, is don't drink so much and heckle the other comics even if they are men who sometimes say shitty things about women.
Also, I'm pretty sure I told Seth Lazear that I loved him in the middle of his set. Yikes.
I have to get in the zone, suck it up, stay more (keyword more) sober, save my love confessions for after the show and build some thicker skin. I want to be humble but confident in my abilities and be patient with myself and others.
Part of this process I think is develping community around comedy and having people to push me. It's important for me to have people that get me through the hard stuff and even suffer with me. For example:
The other night me and my friend Jesse went to an open mic night in Fairhaven. When we went to sign up we were told that comedy just doesn't work there. We signed up anyway. The crowd was small and uninterested in anything but dudes with guitars. We both tried to back out at various points. I told him that I'd had a bad day and that I might just start crying when I got on stage. He said that might be funny. I agreed. We both decided it was time to suck it up and just bomb. Ultimately we went up together and divided our set up by taking turns telling jokes. He had mostly one liners and I stuck to telling my "Monty story" which is an old joke about a one night stand I had in my youth. It was silly and ackward. Afterwords an old ex of Jesse's came up to us and said, "Horrible, I expect better next time." Then I started crying because I realized I forgot to call my brother on his birthday. It was a mess. However, thinking back, I think it was all a really beautiful, hillarious, painful and strange reflection of the human condition. A brilliant performance and expression of rediculocity. Overall, I'm really proud that we got up there and just fucking did it. Whatever. Fuck it. Life is meaningless and we're all going to die anyway. Right? Anyway, it was worth it because some girl at the bar came up to me and was really happy and surprised that I talked about my "wet, velvety pussy." I'm learning that comedy is going to be A TON of hard work even on days when the last thing I want to do is be funny. But as my friend Tracy says, "Find something hard to do and do it."

IN OTHER NEWS

My next performance is on Monday at The Glow
It is an art show called, Bijoux which means of course: Small Exquisitely Wrought Trinkets, according to the internet. I'm performing at 10 and really intend on giving this performance my all. I'm going to think of my set in terms of all of my differnt jokes being a bunch small, exquisitely wrought trinkets. And I will polish them and display them for your viewing pleasure.
ALSO, my silent film Modern Love will be playing on the t.v. by the bar throughout the night!
ALSO, ALSO, the art work of such amazing people as Jessyca Murphey, Riley Bamesberger, *augustine and others will be on display.
It's going to be fun! Hope to see you there.

Felt Jizz and Egg by Jessyca Murphey

Lezbanation!

I wrote some jokes about sitting undercover in on a secret meeting of heterosexual men who feared the growing visability and empowerment of Queer Women. When my roomate Valerie suggested that we make a trailer for Bellingham's Trailer Wars, this idea evolved into "Lezbanation."
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It was super fun to shoot and many laughs were had.
Special thanks to actors and extras: David Ney, Eric Holl, Robin Marquis, Geoff Traeger, Jenny Henley, Misty Fall, Maria, Tristen, Sheldon Botler, Peter Blackburn, Glyndon Jewell, Chelsey Webber Smith, Mel Estes and whomever else I've stupidly forgotten.
I love especially love some of the special effects Valerie put in such as the awesome lightning, the vocal sound effects, etc... I also want to point out that the scene where Chelsey Weber-Smith says "You will never touch us" and shoots lightning laser gun at poor Peter is based on a song she wrote where she's kissing her lady only to be harrassed by a douche lord. The chorus goes "You will never touch us, You will never touch us." I love it. Anyway as this scene was playing at trailer wars some guy yelled out "YEAAHHHH!" as they were making out and it was so great to hear him shut up as Chelsey Pulled out her laser gun and said that line.
I'd also like to explain that in the end when Sheldon picks up the lavender (which we accidently used sage so that's great) and David smells it and says "Lesbians!" that is supposed to be a historical reference to the Lavender Menace however it just turned out to seem a little silly. Although I clearly don't have any issues with irreverant silliness!
ONE MORE THING: The joke about Lady Gaga can sort of be explained by sentiments such as the one in this article.
You will notice that Valerie and my film production name is "TuSpock Productions." This is because one time we stole two cardboard cut outs of Spock from Uhaul and frequently danced with our two spock[s] which sounds just like TuPac! Coool!


Anyway, we had to cut a lot due to time, but HERE'S THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED

LezbiNation
Heartbeats, heavy breathing, unsteady dark camera shots going in and out showing men’s faces
Man 1: Their cumming!
Man 2: I can hear them! I can hear them cumming everywhere!
Man 3: They took my girlfriend away from me.
Man 4: It’s like they have some kind of power.
Sci fi music
Trailer Voice: In the Distant Future
Man hits on women in a store. She smiles.
Man: Want to know something impressive?
Woman: (looks away) Umm…
Hott Dyke walks by and smiles at her. She smiles back. Shot of man frightened and helpless.
Trailer Voice: In a world where life as we know it gets turned upside down.
Woman watching the L Word turns tv off and runs to the ironing board and motions ironing when she hears her husband walk in the door. He walks up behind her. She looks distant.
Husband: Hello honey. I’m feeling randy. Shall we womp womp?
Wife: (stares in the camera) No.
Trailer Voice: Year 2011
Newscaster: The women are turning gay at an alarming rate.
Newscaster 2: It seems as if all the women all around me are suddenly lesbians!!
Bill O’Reilly: I fucking hate the thing!
Ellen dancing
Women kissing on street
Man in Car: Hey do it again so I can see ya! Do it for me!
Woman smiles, kisses her gf and shoots him.

Crazy Man: (sign says something crazy and funny about dikes going to hell) Listen to me! The women are fornicating! With each other!! Like having sex! I’m serious! I don’t know how they do it but they do!
Man walks through bar. Everywhere he looks there are lesbians. Making out. Dancing. Laughing at him. Showing their armpit hair. Reading Judith Butler and other Queer Theory or Literature. He drops to the floor mouthing NOOOOO!!!!!
Trailer Voice: This summer straight men will do anything to get back what is rightfully theirs. Women.
Secret Man Meeting
Men: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue, Rabble Rabble Rabble Rue
Mayor Wartz: Order Order Hetero Gentleman! Order!
Man 1: I’m mad damnit!
Lieutenant Trouser Snake: I want my wife back!
Captain Third Nipple: You’re not getting your wife back Lieutenant Trouser Snake! (Silence ) I’m sorry she’s gone. She’s living with a girl named Kym. Spelled with a y. You see they move fast (shows picture of Uhaul).
L T S: But I thought the Lesbians taking Uhauls to their second date was a joke Captain Third Nipple…
C T N: (yells) Am I Laughing?!
L T S: cries Sandra Why? Can’t I use my penis to get her back? Or my knowledge of ancient…
C T N: No LIEUTENANT! It’s not like that. They already have a nice apartment downtown. They have a cat. And a goldfish. And matching tattoos. They go hiking. They have incredible sex. Just phenomenal. Constantly.
Soldier Short Cum: How can we stop them?
C T N: Good question Soldier Short Cum. Doctor Teabags Toilet Water?
Doctor Teabags Toilet Water: Well we’ve found out that they communicate via texting. They text rapidly and consistently. (Shows woman texting. Phone reads “I miss you! Want to rent some movies later? And then not actually watch them?) General Curve Dick, How’s operation Shayne assassination?
General Curve Dick: She’s Dead Doctor.
D T T W: Good. That will buy us some time. Professor Numnuts, what about this Gaga character?
Professor Numnuts: Lady Gaga? No worries. She’s on our side. What I don’t get is how did they discover the power of their sexuality? How did they find their clitorises? We’ve been successfully hiding it from women for so long even we forgot where they were.
Man: So they do exist!
Men: Rumma Ru Ma Ma! Rumma Ru Ma Ma!
A piece of lavender falls to the floor in slow motion. BOOM! Doctor Teabags Toilet Water picks it up and sniffs it. Looks Concerned.
L T S: What is it Doctor… Teabags Toilet waterrr?
D T T W: Lesbians!
Women surround the room. Woman with megaphone takes the stage.
Woman: Welcome to a Post Gender Society. Say Goodbye to your Patriarchy!
Screen goes black. Lightning Letters spell out “LezbiNation”
Two girls laugh and make cunnilingus gesture.
Screen Goes black again and reads “Cumming Soon…”
“And A lot”

RAPE JOKES (dunn dunn duuunnnnn)

Wow, the last time I posted was July 7th with my brilliant entry: First Time Drunk Blogging.
Here's my excuses for slacking: 1. I'm clearly a drunk. 2. I feel more than compelled to tackle issues such as rape and gender in my comedy blog. 3. It's difficult to convince myself to sit down and try to articulate my views on rape and gender as they relate to comedy on a blog that probably nobody will read except my Mom. (Love you MOM!)4. I'm so lazy I have to literally bribe myself to get out of bed in the morning with the promise of donuts and coffee.
However, until I get some of this off my chest, I simply cannot go on!

Rape Jokes: I can't even TELL YOU how many crappy rape jokes I've heard on the regular at comedy clubs, in the office (especially when I worked for our campus's Women's Center), on a first date, on t.v., etc... My friend, comedian Jesse Wilson at an open mic night commented that rape jokes are like the new airline food jokes.

So why the trend? What's with that? What's the deal? Is this thing on? Nope? OKAY.

One time I talked to a man...(rimshot)... and... I told him that I was a comedian as well and an activist who works among other things on rape prevention. He laughed to himself, looked down and said, "Huh, that's ironic." Why is this ironic? Oh because rape is funny. If rape is funny and I'm anti rape then I am not funny. I took logic. I know my modus tollens. The feeling I had after this moment is the same one I get when someone tells me a joke to push my buttons and they tell me "Look, it's a joke," when I don't laugh. "A joke, what's that?" I must not understand humor because I don't respond to some dude coming into the Women's Center and saying something like "Oh is this where the vulnerable chicks hang out?" or "Oh is this where I get my laundry done?" It's not that you're so edgy that I'm shocked and offended, I'm fucking bored. It's not original or subversive. It's been done. It's mainstream. Rape is mainstream. Rape jokes are mainstream. You know why I don't laugh at jokes that poke (haha) at getting the unnatractive, insecure, girl with a bad childhood drunk and taking her home? Because not only have I heard it a million times before and don't think it's interesting, I'm not sure you're kidding.

Alright Jessica, give people the benifit of the doubt... What about satire? If you knew the guy, you'd know that he's being ironic. Because he's such a good guy he can sarcastically talk about raping women. This is the same guy that isn't being racist, he's making fun of racism.

I'm not trying to say that I'm perfect or that I don't make mistakes. I'm priveleged in so many ways and access it in ways that oppress others. But I think that we all need to try harder to not oppress others. You know? Otherwise, what are we doing? I would really hope that someone would tell me if something I did or said was hurtful or further normalizing stereotypes or perpetuating systems of oppression.

Don't get me wrong: I recognize that there is grey area... especially in comedy. Some of the best jokes are complex and leave me feeling like I need to think about it and why I'm laughing. I also don't think that avoiding subjects altogether makes the issue go away. What's important to me in a joke and whether or not it's appropriate is: who's saying it, why are they saying it, how are they saying it, who is the audience, what is the audience really laughing at, is it interesting/ different and IS IT FUNNY?!

Please Please Please feel free to give commentary and/ or related comedy!

first time drunk blogging!!!!

this is exciting and i think it will be the start to a new depressing trend. i just wanted to say that... i just got in a really serious battle with a moth... where i ran around my room naked trying to end its life with a flip flop. but i've done it. it's over. and now i'm sitting in my bed blogging (obviously) and pondering life, mortality, relationships, happiness, disease, history (specifically roman), the universe, the internet, teflon poisoning, war, etc... oh boy.